In my own pursuit of happiness....

Oh girl....

You have one of the warmest, most beautiful and cheerful smile I have seen. I always wonder why you are so happy and your life just makes me envy. Envy. Perhaps that's the source of my unhappiness. Can you tell me why?

My uncle once told me that it is easy to find someone you love but it's hard to find someone who will stick with you and share your joy, pain and sadness throughout your life. Words from the wise man.

I feel that she is the person whom we can share our life together. The thought of breaking up pains me. I don't think I can ever find someone like her again.

I regret that we met at the wrong time and at the wrong place.

But still I have no courage to say the word breakup to her...

I am a coward.

And so we have a talk last night...

Our conclusion was 3 years is too far from now and everything can change at the last moment.

Maybe I can go to her home town and start a new life over there to look for a job and get settle down. But I very much doubt that will happen. Not that I don't love her but I found it difficult to live in a place where my previous experience told me that I don't like it too much and there's not much I can accomplish in that place. I understand that that's the place where my love one can thrive on her career and she can take care of her aging mum. Not that I have much ambition. I just want to do something useful in my life that can contribute no matter how small to the mankind but her country is not a place that offer something that aligns with my interest. Not a place that I think can change in 3 years time.

I am sad.

I don't want her to sacrifice her now fledging career and leave her family behind so that we can live together. I don't like to be forced and I never like to force someone to do thing that I want. A rational decision is perhaps that we should not continue this relationship. I don't want 3 years down the road then we decide to make the same hard choice. Everyone's time is precious. We are no longer young. I would rather she finds a better man she deserves so much.

Love is not rational, or is it?

Low in spirit. Feeling depressed today.

Found it dreadful to live in a "new" country in 3 yrs time. Everything seems to be planned and I have no control over it. One person have to sacrificed for the another. A typical two-body problem.

I don't know why I should follow this path. I cherish my time over here. I do feel lonely and miss home sometimes. But where's home? I live half of my life overseas, away from my family and my friends, moving from one place to another and seeing no end to it. I do worry about my parents whose health has not been in great shape but on the other hand, I really feel that I don't fit into the my old place any more. I have seen new places and meet with new people and my perception of life has changed. Yet, I feel uncomfortable to call the current place I live home. No, I can't. It's a culture that I partly understand and mostly misunderstood.

I feel bad for my love one. We have separated for so long, meeting only twice a year. It has been four years that we have lived our life apart. Yet we hang onto it. And we both make sacrifices along the way. But I just find it very hard to live in a place where I spent 5 yrs of my youth before and found the place boring. On many occasion, I do want to say let's quit. I have enough staying alone and living like a monk. I find it hard and perhaps unnecessary.

But here I am again. Not knowing what I truly want.